We’ve been talking so much about dating – I wanted to talk about what happens in a long-term relationship, a marriage – when the connection gets so damaged it dies. Here’s a letter from Jane:
“Rori, My marriage is dead. I am sad to say I don’t even know if I want to try and revive it. It seems impossible. I have changed so much after 19 years and I am a completely different woman and I feel I have outgrown him. We have 3 kids and that’s what keeps me here. I don’t have a job or a degree either and so I feel trapped. Jane”
And here’s my answer:
Basically – you’ve answered your own question.
First – Getting a part time job, or working towards a degree or some training for a job or business you would like (you can do it online or in the evenings) is the steps that will make you feel the best. Once you are no longer so dependent on your husband and have something outside the home you’re interested in – things will change for you.
This is basic “Purpose on the Planet” (from my friend Phyllis Chase, on my Commitment Blueprint program) exploration for you to do. This is my “Out The Window” Tool.
It’s absolutely essential to have your own life, your own happiness, before you can connect or reconnect with another person.
It builds your confidence. It makes you feel grounded. It changes your “vibe” hugely and quickly.
Being focused on your children isn’t enough (I know – I fell into that one myself – which is why I found myself up all night nearly every night writing my novels. I had a “calling” – and so do YOU). This is about you’re exploring what it is you love to do, what makes you feel good inside, and then DOING that thing and discovering how to do it, and the pure sheer enjoyment of it.
And as you enjoy what you’re doing (and yes – this is in a Masculine “doing” sense) you’ll start to feel successful in your life – and – something happens then. You start to become successful out in the world!
This is where you find WORK that has to do with what you feel GOOD at, and what you enjoy.
My husband is a business coach for entrepreneurs, and I know from watching him and following his work and teleclasses that ALL of us so easily pigeon-hole ourselves. We are almost WIRED to be STUCK. Stuck in all kinds of ways.
We find it hard to MOVE. We find it hard to get out of our comfort zones, even though those comfort zones are all about PAIN.
My Tools are baby-steps to get you moving out of that comfort zone slowly, and then as quickly as you can – so you’re leaping out of it and discovering some real joy in that.
My husband’s clients instinctively don’t want to “do the work” required to become successful – and that’s why he coaches – his job is to light a fire under a business “wanna-be” and hold their hand and take them through the process of getting a good job that pleases them or starting a business that actually makes money.
if you feel unsuccessful at that – if you have no means of supporting yourself, it so totally damages your self-esteem, that all we feel towards a man who’s supporting us financially but not giving us what we need emotionally is RESENTMENT – right along with feeling grateful. And that’s just a majorly horrific combo: resentment/gratefulness.
In an atmosphere of resentment (that we desperately try to balance by tuning into our gratefulness) – we completely BLOCK all emotional connection. We just can’t break through the wall of fear we put up for ourselves – that even an honest CONVERSATION with a man could lead to disaster.
People would rather cheat on their spouses than truthfully talk about what’s going on in the marriage. That really shows you where the fear is. Even the most brave of us – where love and security is concerned – would often rather lie than take a chance with the truth.
And the lie destroys our sense of well-being.
Jane – you’re living a lie, and that’s making you feel horrible.
Whether you’ve actually “outgrown” your husband is not even the point, here.
Sometimes, I think I’m more “evolved” than my husband. And then we sit down and have a deep conversation about a difficult issue – and I’m just so amazed at the depth of his insight and willingness to participate that I fall in love all over again.
It’s sort of – I have my specialties. But I have my weaknesses, too – the comfort zones where I’d rather hang out and be “judgmental” of everyone else because I’m afraid to feel what I feel or to express what i feel.
And I can tell you honestly, that if I use the right, truthful words, and I really speak what I FEEL instead of what I “think” – amazing things happen.
Often, we have a wall up with a person without even knowing we have a wall up with that person (I know this is true for me) – and when we sink into our own feelings and then speak from there – that wall comes down, and we discover we actually DO have a connection with that person.
You are still there, in that marriage – for some reason. You are being kept there by not having found work that pleases you and pays you, or going to school, or taking some kind of classes to get a degree or real information that would HELP you find work that pleases you.
Perhaps you are there until you can find that work that pleases you.
Perhaps you are there until you can break through that wall of judgment and disconnection and FEEL again.
Perhaps you are there until you can FEEL, and then SPEAK your feelings.
Perhaps you are there until the energy shifts enough for you to be able to physically touch him in a connected way, and for him to feel invited to touch you.
Once you’ve worked with these ideas, you’ll have a whole NEW set of options. You won’t feel so trapped and stuck. You can CHOOSE this marriage or choose another option.
Often, we stop feeling. We stop feeling, and we stop talking. And we stop touching.
And we just don’t know how to start again.
We fall off our horse and don’t have the energy or the will to climb back on. So we just stand there. We walk in circles, day in and day out.
We feel paralyzed, and then we feel comfortable feeling paralyzed. Everything comes to a standstill.
The Tools and ideas here are a start for you to put some grease in the moving parts of your life, and some juice in the engine.
Your horse is there. Waiting patiently, stirrups ready. The landscape is new and uncharted before you. Go.
Let me know how this works for you, Love, Rori
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